


Mac and Dennis Make Charlie Homophobic

by dykereynolds (spocksandsandals)



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Homophobia, M/M, engaged!macden
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-26 14:31:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21375655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spocksandsandals/pseuds/dykereynolds
Summary: Mac and Dennis have been arguing since Paddy’s opened that morning, and Charlie’s seriously on the brink of blowing his brains out. He’s crunching on his sixth bowl of peanuts since Dee brought up the wedding, and he’s starting to think she keeps doing it just to set them off. Ever since the proposal, Mac and Dennis have started fighting every time they talk about the wedding, and it makes Charlie want to scream at the top of his lungs. He already thought they were annoying when they were both still in the closet and wouldn’t admit that they were in love with each other, but now that they’re both out, and engaged, no less, he couldn’t stand them.
Relationships: Charlie Kelly & Mac McDonald & Dennis Reynolds, Mac McDonald/Dennis Reynolds
Comments: 9
Kudos: 55





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hey-o! this was inspired by @hgvbfj on twitter talking about how charlie is probably so sick of dealing with mac and dennis's repressed gay bullshit shit that he's just tired and homophobic at this point. i thought that was kinda hilarious, and here we are. enjoy!

**3:30 pm**

**On a Tuesday**

**Philadelphia, PA**

“Listen, bro, I don’t even understand why we’re discussing this.”

“We’re discussing this, _ bro _ , because I just think it’s goddamn ridiculous that you think I would take your last name when it’s clearly _ my _ name that _ you _ should be taking.”

“You’re gonna call me bro when we’re literally talking about our marriage? That’s kinda fucked up, dude.”

“What the hell are you talking about, Mac? You called me bro first, and you _ just _ called me dude!”

“Okay, _ babe _, I’m sorry that I can’t use all the stupid pet names you want me to use just so that you feel special.”

“Oh, so now this about pet names? ‘Cause you can’t say _ shit _ about pet names, considering how you almost come in your pants when I call you baby boy.”

Mac and Dennis have been arguing since Paddy’s opened that morning, and Charlie’s seriously on the brink of blowing his brains out. He’s crunching on his sixth bowl of peanuts since Dee brought up the wedding, and he’s starting to think she keeps doing it just to set them off. Ever since the proposal, Mac and Dennis have started fighting every time they talk about the wedding, and it makes Charlie want to scream at the top of his lungs. He already thought they were annoying when they were both still in the closet and wouldn’t admit that they were in love with each other, but now that they’re both out, and _ engaged _, no less, he couldn’t stand them.

“Dennis McDonald? Are you goddamn kidding me? Do you realize how stupid that sounds?”

Charlie had lost count of how many times in the last week _ alone _ that they’d broken into a screaming match over who would take whose name after the wedding. (Not that he was very good at counting anyway, but that's besides the point.) 

“Okay, well, Ronald Reynolds doesn’t sound much better either.”

“That’s why you would just legally change your name to Mac Reynolds, dumbass. No one calls you Ronald anyway. It would just be stupid to keep a name that you don’t even use.”

“Well, my dad gave it to me for a reason, so-”

“Oh, Jesus Christ, Mac, are you _ really _ gonna make this about your dad? He named you that to make you a laughingstock, not because it has any sort of actual significance. If you would just-” Dennis cuts himself off with a deep sigh, hanging his head. Even Charlie knows that no matter how pissed Dennis is at Mac, using Luther against him in a fight only has one outcome, and Dennis is way too old to be spending the night on the couch anymore. “Whatever. Either way, ‘Mac and Dennis Reynolds’ sounds infinitely better than ‘Ronald and Dennis McDonald.’ Am I right, Charlie?”

He doesn’t look up from his bowl of peanuts when he says, “I don’t give a _ fuck _, dude.”

“You see, even Charlie agrees.”

Charlie rolls his eyes even though he knows neither of them are looking, and slides off his barstool to get more peanuts. Mac and Dennis bicker back and forth for another fifteen minutes before Charlie’s bowl is empty again, and he fidgets with the empty shells on the bar to give him something - anything - to focus on other than the yelling. 

Usually, he doesn’t mind when the gang argues. Usually, it’s fun. But now that Mac and Dennis are official, they’ve become experts on making the arguments unbearable. He snatches a few peanuts from Frank’s bowl and stuffs them in his mouth.

“Hey Frank,” Charlie starts, cocking his head away from Mac and Dennis to look at Frank. “How hard do you think it would be to make gay marriage illegal again?”

A hush falls over the bar, and Charlie thinks the laser beam glares that Mac and Dennis are shooting at him could probably melt his body on the spot.

“Um, Charlie?” Mac raises his eyebrows and puts his hands on his hips in the dramatic way that he does. “That’s homophobic.”

It takes everything Charlie has not to bust out laughing. “Please, Mac. I’ve been dealing with your gayness my entire life. How in the world could I be homophobic?”

**“Mac and Dennis Make Charlie Homophobic”**


	2. Chapter 2

Charlie’s in the middle of scrubbing the toilets when he hears it from the back office. First the rhythmic slamming of the desk against the wall, then the grunting, then the unmistakable sound of Dennis whining. 

He wonders how long it would take for him to drown if he stuck his head in the toilet.

Ever since they got together, almost every one of Mac and Dennis’s arguments ended in loud makeup sex in the back office. Apparently nothing made them hornier than screaming at each other, but that wasn’t news to Charlie. (It hadn’t been news to Charlie for the past 25 years.) 

He gives up on the mysterious neon green spot underneath the toilet seat, and wipes his hands on his jeans as he walks out of the bathroom. Frank is nowhere to be found, and Dee is behind the bar with her head between her hands, and her fingers in her ears. Mac shouts something about Dennis being tight and Charlie suddenly feels like he’s aged ten years. He slams his hand on the bar to get Dee’s attention, and when she pops her head up, fingers still in her ears, he demands, “Dee. Shot. Now.”

She looks at Charlie like she wants to strangle him with her bare hands. “Pour your own shot, dick. I’m a little busy here trying not to puke,” she spits, and Charlie throws his hands up in defense. He reaches over the bar and grabs a bottle of Jack Daniels, pouring six shots, three for each of them. Maybe if they drink enough, Mac and Dennis will stop being so disgusting.

Probably not.

The pounding from the back office stops, and a few seconds later, Mac pokes his head out the door, sweat dripping from the soaking wet strands of his hair and onto the floor. “Hey, guys?” Mac calls, “Where are all the towels I stashed in here? I put them in here for a reason.” 

“Yeah, we know you put them there for a reason,” Dee snaps without looking at Mac, “that’s exactly why we moved them.” She downs a shot, and then another one.

“Okay, well, how am I supposed to clean up in here if I don’t have any towels?” Mac asks increduously. 

The vein in Charlie’s forehead is two seconds from popping. He barely restrains himself from screaming when he says, “Okay, _well_, maybe if you stopped banging Dennis in the back office three times a day, then you wouldn’t need to use all our towels to clean up all your jizz!”

Dennis says something unintelligible from behind the door, and Mac's attention immediately deviates from Charlie and Dee. He says something along the lines of “Yeah, I know, good point,” before disappearing behind the door and shutting it. They hear the click of the lock, and it’s only a matter of minutes before the pounding starts again.

“Charlie, I swear to God, I’m gonna kill them. I’m gonna kill them, and I’m gonna rip off their dicks, and beat their dead corpses with them,” Dee groans. She takes her last shot, and reaches for one of Charlie’s. He slaps her hand away, and downs all three in a row. She grabs two beers from under the bar, cracking them open with her bare hands and sliding one Charlie’s way. They sit there in silence for a few moments, both bathing in mutual disgust. 

“You know,” Dee starts, “I’ve been thinking about what you said, about making gay marriage illegal again, and I think you’re right. It can’t be _ that _ hard, right? I mean, with your dedication to the cause, and the fact that I can actually read, I’m sure we can do a little research and get it done in no time.”

Charlie ponders the idea for a second while he takes a long swig from his beer. He swallows and says, “Dee, I think you’re underestimating how much work actually goes into something like that.”

“How the hell would you know, Charlie? You don’t know shit about politics, which is exactly why you need my help.”

The thought of teaming up with Dee makes him nauseous, but the sound of Dennis moaning, “Yes, baby, harder, harder, give it to me,” from the back office makes bile start to rise in his throat.

“Deal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, big thanks to @hgvbjf on twitter for essentially giving me a plot for this fic. if you liked this chapter and want to see more, drop a kudos, a comment, or a follow on my twitter, @gaygayasslove! thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not 100% sure where this fic is gonna go from here, but if you like it so far, feel free to drop a kudos, a comment, or a follow on my twitter, @gaygayasslove! thanks so much for reading!


End file.
